Monday, July 21, 2008

From the Mailbag: Schizo-fretting Disorder

by David G. Woolley

Do you worry? Maybe too much? Do you dread your fears? Are they cause for alarm? Are you searching for a cure to the energy-sapping condition that ravages your peace? Do you fret over the time-consuming, the unsettling, the inconvenient. Do you suffer from red eyes, permanent brow furrowing or a condition know in the scientific community as uttering choice word syndrome? What is a Top of the Morning reader to do?

If left untreated, sufferers may develop Schizo-fretting Disorder. In the most serious cases symptoms may include denying you have children, bearing your testimony in sacrament meeting on the second Sunday of the month immediately following the rest hymn, and cirrhosis of the liver. If you develop any of these symptoms or if you're uncertain about testimony bearing, ask you local neighborhood Mormon. If you are a Mormon, see your Bishop immediately.

In a recent email sent to the Top of the Morning offices Bonnie, one of our many lucid readers, wrote, "You worry me sometimes". We informed Bonnie that we should be the least of her concerns. We also offered to provide her a list of more important fears. Pressing things. Weighty matters. She declined. But she did agree to an interview in her home. Lucky us. And we'd like to share it with you, unedited and unplugged.

Top of the Morning (TOTM): So Bonnie, what a beautiful home.

Bonnie: No solicitors. Didn't you read the sign?

TOTM: You wrote us.

Bonnie: Who are you people and why do you keep contacting me?

TOTM: We're really pleased you've become a regular reader.

Bonnie: You worry me sometimes.

TOTM: How often do you experience these feelings? Does the dread last longer than, say, two or three hours?

Bonnie: How long do you plan to stay?

TOTM: Why don't you tell us how you cope with your feelings of alarm.

Bonnie: They're smoke detectors. I replaced all the batteries last week. Are you from the fire department?

TOTM: We're opinion editors.

Bonnie: How do you explain the red truck?

TOTM: Its brown.

Bonnie: Unfortunate color choice. It shows the dirt.

TOTM: We understand you're associated with a local soccer club. Your son used to play for them.

Bonnie: Who told you that?

TOTM: We read it online.

Bonnie: I've heard about people like you. Identity thieves.

TOTM: Do you think there's any connection with worry and, say, other psychosis?

Bonnie: I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know.

TOTM: Very interesting. I think we're about finished here.

Bonnie: You can't leave. The sprinklers are scheduled to come on.

TOTM: In the middle of the afternoon?

Bonnie: Do you think they'll find out?

TOTM: You mean the city water department?

Bonnie: The X files.

TOTM: You still watch those re-runs?

Bonnie: I met Mulder and Scully once. Did you know they moved their FBI field office to area 51?

TOTM: You're into conspiracy theories?

Bonnie: Don't bite your nails. Its a bad habit.

TOTM: Thanks Bonnie.

We got out of there fast. You never know what could happen in a volatile situation with a chronic Schzofretic who hasn't take her medication. We were halfway down the sidewalk when we heard Bonnie say, "Honey, turn on the sprinklers. They're just a couple of no good solicitors."

The next time you experience worry, hold your breath and count to ten. If that doesn't control the fear, or if you begin to experience dry mouth, red eyes, or a bad hair day call 1-800-No-More-Fear any time day or night. Trained professionals are standing by to take your call and FedEx a month's supply of anti fretting powders harvested from the bladder of toads on the same secret tropical island where they grow Noni Juice. If you don't call us, get help somewhere before your condition develops into chronic Schizo-fretting.

Stop the fear.

Editor's note: Bonnie is a faithful reader of Top of the Morning. She's also relatively sane. She agreed to this interview to help the fearful come to terms with their phobia. Thanks Bonnie. You're a real trooper. Now go see a doctor.

__________________________
Join author David G. Woolley at his Promised Land Website. He is also a weekly contributor to the Latter Day Authors blog and he writes commentary and opinion at the Utah Ranger's Far Post blog

9 comments:

bon said...

Oh. My. Heck. I think it's fair to say that you've taken my name in vain! Why am I not surprised? ;>

bon

David G. Woolley said...

Thanks Bonnie:

I appreciate your candor and your lame attempt to cover up the truth.

We do appreciate your willingness to do the interview. Checks in the mail.

Dave

PS: did you save me any fruit from Steve's open house? I'm coming by.

bon said...

Hmmm, will you give me editing rights? :)

bon said...

P.S. It never ceases to amaze me how you can make (read: embellish)an entire article out of a single phrase in a conversation! You should write books!

David G. Woolley said...

Cease to be amazed Bonnie. We are only mere mortals in your presense.

Francie Jenson said...

Its highly likely I'm still sleep deprived from my high altitude, sun-filled week at Girl's Camp, but it does seem the psychosis evident here hardly lies with Bonnie.

I'm also finding it hard to believe that's the first time anyone's ever said to Dave Woolley, "You worry me sometimes" -- I'm guessing you hear that all to frequently, Dave ... :)

So anyway, I was gone five days and I only got behind one post? What's with that?

David G. Woolley said...

Sorry Francie. I just didn't think anyone cared to read. I will get all those posts posted...

David G. Woolley

PS: Welcome home from Girl's camp.

Candace E. Salima said...

Very funny, David. Slightly bordering on sane, but funny.

Sandra said...

So, Mr. Woolley, when do those of us that have to wait clear until the end of Sept. for your next book, get a new post to help tide us over?